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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby
Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman
Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Marilyn vos Savant
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
Paul Lynde
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra
I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller
