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Funny Quotes

1 - 2

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Marilyn vos Savant

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
Paul Lynde

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

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