1 - 2
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns
I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
P. J. O'Rourke
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
My inner child is not wounded.
Shannen Doherty
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
P. J. O'Rourke
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine
Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen
The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
David Ogilvy
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire
The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.
Dustin Hoffman
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
Casey Stengel
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Mark Twain
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
